So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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