I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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