ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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