I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
