The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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