my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize