He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
