Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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