I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
