I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
