I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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