it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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