How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
