Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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