fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
