Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Blood and glitter go together right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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