I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
