you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
