i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
