bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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