Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
