sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
