Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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