He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
