Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
