Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
