toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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