either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
