i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
