its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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