if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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