:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
