The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Send help, water and tortillas.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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