It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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