In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We're too hungover to prance.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
