So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you win again, gameday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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