His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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