I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
