Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
