I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
