Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
