And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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