I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
