I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
