so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
