why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You are a genius and a whore.
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