I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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