What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
