oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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