update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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