Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
