im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
