Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
